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Fwd: Pre-Relationship Agreement

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Posted by CCAFE - FWD apparently from Carrie Bassett on July 19, 1999 at 20:42:52:

---------------------- Forwarded by Glenda Wilsey/ddrc on 07/19/99 08:12 AM

"Carrie Bassett" on 07/16/99 04:42:02 PM

cc: (bcc: Glenda Wilsey/ddrc)

Subject: Fwd: Pre-Relationship Agreement

This is awesome! Have a great weekend everyone :o)

>From: rrobosky@ix.netcom.com
>Subject: Fwd: Pre-Relationship Agreement
>Date: Thu, 15 Jul 1999 10:12:22 -0500 (CDT)
>------Begin forward message-------------------------
> Pre-Relationship Agreement
>The party of the first part (herein referred to as "she"), being of
>sound mind and pretty good body, agrees to the following with the
>party of the second part (herein referred to as "him"):
>1. FULL DISCLOSURE: At the commencement of said relationship
>(colloquially referred to as the "first date"), each party agrees to
>fully disclose any current girl/boyfriends, dependent children,
>bizarre religious beliefs, phobias, fears, social diseases, strange
>political affiliations, or currently active relationships with anyone
>else that have not yet terminated. Further, each party agrees to make
>known any deep-seated complexes and/or fanatical obsessions with
>pets, careers, and/or organized sports. Failure to make these
>disclosures will result in the immediate termination of said
>relationship before it has a chance to get anywhere.
>2. INDEMNIFICATION OF FRIENDS: Both parties agree to hold the person
>who arranged the liaison (colloquially referred to as the
>"matchmaker") blameless in the event that the "fix-up" turns out to
>be a "real loser" or "psycho bitch". (For definition of "real loser",
>see "John DeLorean: My Story", available at most bookstores, or any
>picture of Bob Guccione in "Penthouse". For definition of "psycho nut
>case", see Sharon Stone in "Basic Instinct" or Glenn Close in "Fatal
>3. DEFINITION OF RELATIONSHIP: Should said relationship proceed past
>the first date, both parties mutually agree to use the following
>terminology in describing their said "dating":
>For the first thirty (30) days, both parties consent to say they are
>"going out". (This neither implies nor states any guarantee of
>exclusivity.) Following the first thirty (30) days, both parties may
>say they are "seeing somebody" and may be referred to by third
>parties as "an item". Sixty (60) days following the commencement of
>the first date, either member may elect to use the terms
>"girl/boyfriend" or "lover" and their mutual acquaintances may refer
>to them as "a couple". Under no circumstances are the phrases "my
>better half", "the little woman", "the old ball and chain", or "my
>old man/lady" acceptable.
>Furthermore, if both members consent, this timetable may be sped up;
>however, if either party "gets too serious" and disregards this
>schedule, the other party may dissolve the relationship on the
>grounds of "moving too fast" and may once again be said to be "on the
>4. TERMS OF EXCLUSIVITY: For the first thirty (30) days, both parties
>agree not to ask questions about the other's whereabouts on weekends,
>weeknights, or over long holiday periods. No unreasonable demands or
>expectations will be made; both parties agree they have no "rights"
>or "holds" on the other's time.
>Following the first six weeks or forty-five (45) days, if one party
>continues to be "missing in action" without explanation, the "wounded
>party" agrees to "give up".
>5. DATING ETIQUETTE: For the first thirty (30) days, both members of
>the couple agree to be overly considerate of the other's work
>pressures, schedules, and business ambitions. All dates will be made
>at least twenty-four (24) hours in advance; there will be no "running
>off in the middle of the night to console an old girl/boyfriend", and
>both parties agree to strike the phrase "but he/she needs me" from
>their vocabularies.
>Further, during the first six (6) weeks each member of said
>relationship agrees to attempt one spontaneous home-cooked meal or to
>arrange the delivery of at least one unexpected bouquet of flowers.
>Following the first forty-five (45) days, both parties will return to
>their normal personalities.
>6. TERMS OF PAYMENT: It is agreed that -- respective gross income
>aside -- "he" will pick up the tab at all dinners, clubs, theaters,
>and breakfasts until: "He" considers her suitably impressed, "he" is
>broke, or "he" says, "this is ridiculous, you pay!"
>Not included in this agreement are meals ordered from the bedroom,
>which are subject to the availability of discretionary funds on hand
>at the time.
>7. LIVING ARRANGEMENTS: (occasionally known as the "Why do I bother
>to keep my own apartment?" codicil): Should said relationship
>progress to the point where the couple spends more than four nights a
>week together, every effort shall be made to split the time between
>their respective apartments. Further, it is agreed that both sides
>will attempt to silence the lewd remarks of landlords, or roommates.
>He agrees to "pick up after himself" while in residence at her
>apartment, including washing his whiskers out of the sink, and
>assisting with household duties. By the same token, she agrees to
>respect his right to keep his apartment "a mess".
>8. THE 90-DAY GRACE PERIOD: For the first three months, each member
>of the couple agrees to hold the other blameless in the euphoric use
>of phrases like "Let's move in together", "Why don't we start a
>family?" and using archaic terminology like "Let's get married".
>9. THE "L" WORD: For the first sixty (60) days, both parties agree
>not to use the phrase "I love you". They may love plants, dogs, cats,
>cars, concerts, or the way a particular pair of jeans fits, but not
>each other. Failure by one party to abide by this rule will result in
>the other party using the "G" word... "Gone".
>10. GROUNDS FOR TERMINATION: Any of the following will be grounds for
>immediate termination and final dissolution of said relationship:
>Infidelity: Running off at any time to console an ex-girl/boyfriend,
>Ending an argument with the sentence "My ex used to do the same
>thing"; Suggesting that no matter how kindly that the other member
>should seek "help"; Ending any argument with the phrase "My analyst
>thinks you are..."
>11. DECLARATION OF STRENGTH: At the time of breakup, each party
>reserves the right to make the other feel guilty by using one or all
>of the following phrases: "You'll never find anybody better"; "Nobody
>could ever make you happy"; "I'll find somebody who can really
>appreciate me"; "My analyst think you are..." (appropriate
>psychosis/neurosis goes here)
>12. MISCELLANEOUS: Both parties agree to remain exclusive until such
>time as the relationship appear to be "on the rocks".
>Each party agrees to give the other at least five minutes notice
>before terminating said relationship.
>At the termination of said affair, both parties agree to be mature
>and return compiled socks, sweatshirts, books, record albums, door
>keys, and personal undergarments with all due haste through impartial
>Each party agrees to wait at least seventy-two (72) hours before
>engaging in sex with any of the other's friends.
>Both parties agree to refrain from slandering the other for a period
>of at least seven days (bedroom performace included), and further
>consent to use one of the following nebulous terms in the description
>of the breakup:
>"The timing wasn't right."
>"He/she wanted more than I could give."
>"He/she was too involved in his/her career."
>"He/she decided to go back to his/her lover/hometown/therapist."
>13. ADDENDUM: After the initial breakup -- no matter what -- both
>parties agree to give the relationship "one more shot".
>------End forward message---------------------------

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