Friday, September 19, 2008

An Expensive Day - Facing Facts - Back into the City

I was recovering all day Thursday after my 6.5 mile romp in the city. I haven't been able to find a good place to put the pedometer on Mother. I bought it for her birthday since she at 89, is still going shopping and lugging groceries up a couple flights of stairs to her apartment. I am as usual camped out on the floor on pillows and the blow up air mattress I brought from Maui.

We didn't get out of the house until 4pm. I wanted to go to the Mall where there are lots of shops, but all the styles were not mine. I had her wait by the mall entrance until I could fetch a wheelchair for her. It was on the other side of the mall so I got another long walk in. They had a motorized scooter. As my back was hurting, I opted for that rather than a wheel chair. I enjoyed riding it back to where she held her post. She would not use it.

She absolutely refused. I think it was her ego that stopped her, not wanting to be seen or feel like an invalid. I had to ride that sucker back and get a wheelchair. I was heading back to Mom with it when my camera slipped off my lap and crashed, this time breaking the lens that
I had several times repaired with superglue. Not this time. the lens is DOA.

Her party is two days away, so I have to take another trip into Manhattan to buy a lens. Also the white suite I purchased is a bit small, so I have to find a large size. I thought I could fit if I lost a pound or two in my gut, but the pants which I didn't try on, were much too tight revealing my privates rather clearly. The life of a man in the world without a partner to love, can be rather challenging. Its always easier for two people to navigate life's twists and turns as a couple. I think I am over the hill in that department although there is always hope as long as I don't seriously entertain thoughts like I will never again find anyone to love this eclectic fool.

I must admit my fear of losing Mom. The only person that has my history and best interests in mind and who has the insight of bringing me up, and helping me integrate with this life and my very straight and narrow sister and the american lifestyle family she is bringing up. I fear I will be so alone when she passes, with no connection to anyone. After all, when is the last time you commented on this blog, my art(s) or my attempts to bring Creativity Cafe into the world?

Speaking of that project. I was near Eyebeam Gallery, today I will try to go there after getting the lens. I will also spare my body and not do so much walking. Rather I will take trains and cabs. It will be expensive, but my body just can't take traipsing through the city like the old days.

I had a chat with Lynn about our family inheritance which along with everyone elses' money has taken quite a beating. I pointed her to the Arron Russo videos and she didn't want to hear it. She forbade me to bring anything like that to the attention of my nephews. She would rather have her head in the sand than see and acknowledge the manipulations that have put us in this position (economically speaking). The greed factor has burst the bubble, fortunes are falling and the American dream, well it needs some shoring up.

After the fall of my camera, I didn't want to spend another minute in the mall. I certainly didn't want to spend any more time going through shops with boring knock off clothes that really don't express my persona.

I am having a tough time knowing mom with her aches and pains, her awesome spirit to carry on, her will power, etc. can do nothing to stop the ravages of time and eventually take her away from me. Her limp is worse. She can hardly walk and yells at me when I try to discover what exactly is ailing her. She refuses to see a doctor for her leg condition, and makes me wrong by getting angery and yelling that I should leave her alone, when I mention having it looked at. I can do nothing for her on that front and its making me nuts to see her in agony and trying to act as if there is nothing wrong.

I guess to them I was the same way. Spending every drop of energy and fiber of my being to bring into existance a new kind of community center and school to help people navigate the speeded up world we live in and change their thinking in ways that would benefit them, and symbotically speaking, their communities wherever a Creativity Cafe exists. I am still resolute in trying to attracted those who would assist with this life's mission. But things are looking bleek in that department.

I am not a happy and content person. I have such frustrations and longings. Not only for a body and heart out of pain, but for a world that doesn't settle its disagreements with war. There is a longing in me that defies description. A soul ache that I can't even describe. I am haunted by (gladly) not being able to be part of the statue quo and yet where else do I go?

I have been all but abandoned by most of my former friends who never call, never write and are more than likely as tired of hearing my spew about CCafe as I am with mothers lifestyle of putting off today what can be done tomorrow (and then never doing it) and dealing with her hording issues.

Soon I will be back on Maui which has become very inert in the fun, friendship and progress on my dreams department. Sure I have a couple of friends with whom I make music under the guise of being in my band, but I know better than to think our group will amount to anything other than perhaps some good recordings. Not that I woudn't be delighted with that! and have my spirits lifted with the completion of my first CD. Speaking of which, next week I have a recording session with Linsy to work on two of my tunes. I am needed to buy a good audio interface for my Mac. I am deeply enegaged in research.

God knows, the sounds of my soul have been in the birth canal for long enough. I just can't keep focused long enough on the music, before my flair for photography steals my energy and focus, and then V.A.R.I.O.U.S. comes around and its back to trying to find a way to further Creativity Cafe. Oy Vey. I need help. Where is that business visionary I feel I need to collaborate with, someone who can see why I have spent the better part of my life trying to bring something new and beneficial to the peoples of the world - into being and who can appreciate my efforts and my vision .

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